tisdag 1 oktober 2013
It´s time to say goodbye to my old TV-friend. His name is Dexter Morgan and he kills people but just those how really deserve it, he kills brutal murderers. I have known him for about eight years and even if I´m going to miss him it feels kind of good. We both need to move on with our lives.
When I first started to get to know Dexter he told me he wasn’t a human, he was just imitating human behavior so people wouldn’t suspect him and see the monster behind the mask. I could really relate to that. I never felt I fitted in anywhere with anyone and when I tried faking human behavior I just felt false and never really got close to anyone. Dexter was free in his night job killing all those bad guys and I was free in my writing literary saying all those things and killing of all those people that just seemed to work against me all the time.
I remember when Dexter tried to get close to Rita that he was with just because he needed a facade to show for the world, something that made him look normal. I had a similar girlfriend once and like Rita she had trouble to get close to anyone, because she was wounded by earlier relationships. When I told her that I loved her she became happy, overexcited. But very soon my words turned into a broken record that just repeated the same lines over and over again. That made her mad because she didn´t believed I meant them, that I just said it because that´s what she wanted to hear. I think my friend Dexter felt the same way, I mean how can you say it like you mean it, when you don´t? Because you just stand the relationship, you think it´s just the way it has to be, it´s as good as it gets. Because in the end of the day you’re not a real person, just a monster whith a smile glued to your face and the person you really are, is a creature that anyone could never love, not really.
I remember a birthday years ago when I was sitting on a cheap pizza place drinking a light beer, when my borderline girlfriend at the time cut her wrists and drove to her ex boyfriend. She was gone for hours without answering her phone. I wasn’t angry or upset when she finally got home, I felt like Dexter out on his lawn after Trinity had killed Rita and Dexter finds her bathing in her own blood in the bathtub. That it somehow was his fault even if he just had done what he thought was best, even if it wasn’t him holding the knife.
I´ve had Miguelfriends too. That kind that believe that they know and understand you, then they suddenly take advantage of you because it´s all right they know what’s okay because they know you even if they actually don´t. I´ve got rid of them too not as brutal as Dexter of course but still I´ve broken all bands with them. If you let them they will tear you apart and they think they do it because it´s best for you. Not to mention positivism persons like Jordan Chase, Mr. Take it take it now! I´ve meet people like that, and they send out a crazy vibe. They don´t feel real, they just hide their true self under a perfect façade that everything is possible and often I believe that they are totally crazy in a level. It´s something really wrong with the way they look at themselves and when Dexter hunt and finally puts a dead stop to him, it felt extra good, because he had that kind of personality that I just can´t stand.
I was glad when Dexter met Lumen it was the first time he met a women that really understood him. They planned and hunted together, even got matching tools and outfits, it was quite lovely. Even then they weren’t going out camping but killing together. Dexter helped her to channel the rage and anger and she got her vengeance. After that she was trough the dark passenger had left her, the urge was gone. She understood him but she know his dark passenger wasn’t about to leave him yet, but she had to move on. He was left sitting there at the stove and carried his passenger further. Those things really hurt. Lumen means light in Latin, and that´s what those kind of “Lumen persons” are important to light up your way for a while down the path but stay to long and it will get infected and destructive. I had a Lumen in my life for a while, but you have to part ways, I did when my world rumbled. When my light went away I spent some time in the darkness, I had to put myself in a psyche ward a while to even survive.
Sometimes I envy Dexters close relationship too his dead father Harry Morgan. My father is also dead and has been so for a long time, I hardly remember him, he is barely a distant ghost in my life, while Harry is constantly there and speaks with Dexter on a daily basic. He gave Dexter The codes of Harry that frames his urge, they becomes the high moral that Dexter in the end actually have. In a way I have a moral a bit like Dexters even if mine is not quite as brutal and maybe I got mine from my father to. Mine is shown by me being annoyed and angry at things that I know is wrong and at people that can do better but they just refuse and won’t change their mind even if logic says different. Sometimes I write long, well written letters to complain to them or their bosses or to politicians that can or at least should do an actual change. And I do this even if the results of my offers are slim and I know it´s not often helping me much myself but in a way I have to do it, I got the urge to and till I have I´m walking around really upset and can´t concentrate on anything else. Sometimes it actually makes a difference for others then me, I´m fighting against the little wrongs in the world and even if I can´t help myself doing it. In a way it´s a bit similar till what Dexter does, minus the murders.
Like Dexter I have a sister but she is really Debras complete opposite. Dexter said early on that if he could ever love someone it would be Debra and she is really loveable. She helps him out in every way that I doubt anyone else would or could. She shoots Maria in the container, she really does everything for him. If it was me in Dexters shoes and it was my sister that was holding the gun, then it would have been quite different. She should have shoot me instead, she had emptied the slot in me. Even if she is not a police officer, more like a blood analysis she holds laws and rules very close to her heart, if you don´t obey them you are guilty and if she was faced with the choice in upholding the law or saving the life of her brother she would choose the law every day in the week. She is the most unempathic person I´ve ever meet, while Debra is very empathic especially with Dexter.
Finally Dexter found his Hannah and so did I. A Hannah is someone that really understands you or at least never stops trying to and most important of all can accept it and can live with it, even if she´s not like you herself. Hannah made Dexter realize that the dark passenger inside him, might not even exist, that it might just be a feeling a kind of need that actually could be suppressed. It´s a bit like that for me to sometimes, when I feel that I really need to write to get stuff of my chest, but I don´t really have to write most of all, because sometimes it more important things I have to do. I don´t stand and fall with my writing that I felt I did before, I can do it later. It´s not easy to realize that but when you do, you can relax in a completely different way.
I was most proud Dexter when he gave his stepdaughter Astor's friend's stepfather a warning because he abused his stepdaughter. It was perhaps the most human thing he ever done. If I can ever do anything similar to that myself I would be proud for a lifetime.
My friend Dexter and I have walked a similar path, on a personal level anyway, so it´s hard to leave but it feels like it's about time. We had our facades that we no longer need to keep up with the same frenzy. We have fought against those idiots who believe they are above all what morality is and it has crashed so with our morale because we felt obliged to fight back. We both had our dark passenger and we finally realized that it might not even have existed, that it only was an escape from ourselves, the fear to really grab life. We have absent dead fathers who appeared to us and we looked up to them but when time went by we learned that they weren’t heroes, only people with both good and bad sides, just like us.. We've talked to psychologists who have helped us on to the next level. Both have had children and met our "Hannah”.
I think Argentina will be a good place for you to start over Dexter. I have moved around several times before and sometimes you need to move to find your home and now when you are safe in yourself by living with someone how truly knows you I think you will have a home wherever it might be. I think there is much we can leave behind us now my friend. So I say goodbye my friend, I´m happy that I got to know you. Best wishes on your further journey.
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